Multifaceted

This post is regarding a very fascinating and interesting conversation I had with my friend yesterday. Don't worry, I don't plan to paste it here, but perhaps elaborate on it a bit.

Have you ever wondered how many faces you have? Broadly classified, there are two - the professional and the personal. Some of us have a huge difference between these two while a very fine line separates it for the rest. But difference, there is. Going further into it though, there are many more. For example, let us take the professional face. Do you behave the same way with your colleagues as well as with your boss?

The personal front is much more interesting. I don't know about you, but in my personal life there are only two types of people - family and friends. Sure, there are a few friends who are like family and there are a couple of family members who would easily transcend into the friends zone. But you see, it still leaves me with just two zones. One would assume that one's behaviour with people in these zones is uniform. Ah, that is where one is wrong.

Let me start with family. Do you behave, act, talk or respond in the same manner when with your parents and when with your siblings? I don't. There is the difference in age which acts as the factor, there is the difference in maturity(debatable), there is the difference in topics under discussion(or argument, as the case may be), there is the difference in opinion, there is the difference in tolerance(very important) and of course there is the difference in the respect accorded. Basically, there are lots of differences.

You still with me? OK, good. Now comes the part and realisation which takes people by surprise. The faces you wear when with your friends. I would not say that my behaviour or nature is totally different for each friend but I would say that it is not exactly the same for each one of them. It all depends on how and where the friendship started, what drove the two to come together, why are they(we?) still friends, what role each plays in it and so many more. For instance, I am a kid when with a couple of them, replete with talking nonsense, calling names, acting stupid etc. But with others, you wouldn't be wrong if you were to call me "aunt KB". The funny part is, both of these character traits define me equally well, there is no artificiality when I display one, there is no forced nature when I display the other.

It's probably because that what is needed and sometimes, that is what is expected. You act the way you do because you know it will be accepted, you know you will not be judged for it. Sometimes though, you act the way you should. Those who need to be protected, will be fiercely so. This is not a usual occurrence, as most of the people I am(or like to be) with are strong; emotionally/mentally. But for the couple of sweethearts who aren't, I take the role of the Dominator. On the other hand, people who know me well would vouch for it that I am not the kind of person who can be dominated. Surprise, I can be when I want to be. As I said before, a lot depends on the dynamics and requirement of the relation.

A lot is required for any relationship to work but a lot more is required to sustain it. It is easy to give up but much more difficult to give in. On one hand you cannot and should not diverge from your true nature but on the other you have to compromise. Life sure is complicated.

PS: Going through the draft, I do not know if it made any sense.

Do you remember?

Well first for some good old gloating and a few updates. The gloating part - I have a weird memory. No, that's not something to be proud of and it isn't my point. What is so strange about my memory? You see, ask me what I was wearing on the day I joined my first company and I will tell you exactly. Ask me the first time I was slapped by my class teacher (which was in 3rd standard by the way) and I will even recollect the exact reason why and her name. Oh and that was one of the only three, ever. Ask me who I sat with first when I entered college and what she was wearing, ask me the reason I fought with my best friend in class four, ask me which dress I was wearing for my uncle's marriage in 1997, ask me anything. Well, anything not relevant, and I will remember.

Don't ask me dates. Don't ask me which day or date I was asked out for the first time in life(6th standard), don't ask me what my total in 10th/12th standard was, don't ask me to remember any phone remember other than my own, don't ask me the date I had my first major accident, don't even ask me my university seat number. OK, I lied about the USN. I think they expect dodos like me to be omnipresent and hence make them quite easy to recollect. Or maybe because I have used it at least 30 times(the figure is more, don't ask me by how much), counting all the exams, that it is carved in my memory for a very long time to come(never say forever, ever).

So on one hand there are the insignificant details and on the other, things that may and should matter to most people. I remember the ones that are irrelevant, that probably are stored in the archives section in most people's brains, to be dug up only when required, which includes family gatherings, school/college reunions, accompanied by an "ohhh..yeah..I think I faintly remember that" or "what lies! You are concocting your own stories", depending on the situation being for or against you, respectively.

But, ladies and gentlemen, inspite of this handicap, one thing I do pride in is remembering birthdays. I think I should put a disclaimer there because even that comes with "conditions apply" but given the number of people I have come to know over the years, I think I am doing pretty well for myself and for others. The "for others" is a clever part I put in there, did you notice? No? Never mind. It's because I have been entrusted(sometimes I take it upon myself) the responsibility of remembering them. I send mails to other friends, I ping them, in short I do everything a Short(pun intended) Messaging Service reminder usually does.

Pretty neat, eh? That's what you think. When you have such a record, you cannot screw up. One birthday you forget, and boom, all hell breaks loose. "How could you forget?". And it has the ripple effect. Blame the reminder service. Shoot the messenger. Nevertheless I wouldn't stop doing it, I wouldn't stop taking the responsibility. I like the appreciation that comes when I remember and remind, I like the gratitude that my friends express. I am the puppy that will continue to jump for a treat, even after you have slapped it mildly on the nose for chewing up the sofa. Quite pathetic, but that's me.

In the "updates" section, I met a friend recently after a long time and he made me believe in what I had always known to be true. All you need is someone who'll listen to you. It was a good day.

PS: I digress a lot, don't I?

Too late too soon

What if one day you turn into that which you portray to be? Wouldn't that be an ideal situation?

Apparently not. All throughout my as yet short life I have seen those who have been emotionally weak being taken advantage of. I knew it then as I know now, that I wouldn't be one of them. I wouldn't be the one to be seen crying, I wouldn't be the one being taken for granted and I most definitely won't be the one emotionally blackmailed. Being a girl, it was as easy as a rabbit trying to pass of as a porcupine.

How do you do it? You hide your weaknesses. You cringe not in public. You put on a brave face and you pretend that it did not matter. You learn to laugh at yourself, you trivialise things that may seem important. You mislead people into believing your priorities lie elsewhere. Most importantly, you do not put on display your armour, because with it, so will the chinks be displayed. Slowly over time, you start winning.

People start getting convinced that you are not to be thrown around. They think twice before launching those wisecracks. They hold back and they warn others. Word gets around and you are smiling. This is what you wanted. You may be the evil one for those people but you are content with the fact that not all of them think that way. You had assumed that there were a few who see through you. A few who know why you are doing this. You are doing this because you are scared. You have had reasons to be scared. Some of the fears may be unjustified, but aren't most of them anyway?

Then one day it hits you. There is no difference between the two. The two images, the two persona's, the two different people you thought you were. It hits you because they told you so. They told you things that you thought were meant to be looked and observed by strangers. Your guard is seen as indifference, the shell which you created over the years seen as insensitivity.

At first you are offended but then you see what they do. It isn't their fault. It is you. The ways that you made others follow, you forgot to follow yourself. You had expectations. Never have expectations. You started asking questions. Questions are never good, especially when you don't like the answers. Maybe it's good to be the villain. Everyone loves heroes, but what good would he be without the villain. I shall not change. Let me stick to at least one thing I had promised myself.

I could have not posted this or I could have posted this on the top. But I choose to hide it here. Everyone wins.