If there is anything harder than watching your kids grow, in my opinion, it is watching your parents grow older. Throughout your life, your parents have been the foundation that held the structure of the family together. One day, out of the blue, you discover that the very same foundation has started to develop cracks. The signs were there for you to see, but you only see what your eyes want to see. So you go on ignoring it, hoping that like everything else, it will just fade away.
Its not like my parents are as old as dinosaurs already. But to my alarm, I know that very soon they will be. I have never concerned myself with or obsessed over something as trivial as age. As a kid, I did want to grow up really fast, but those were for different reasons altogether. As an adult, I have never foolishly wished time to stand still. But now, a strange selfishness has started enveloping me. I like the present. I don't want it to change. Change, which has always been my biggest enemy.
If there is one very valuable lesson that I have learned from my parents, it is the value of compromise. It is a value which almost everyone in their generation learned without being explicitly taught. Two total strangers, agreeing to spend the rest of their lives together, bound by nothing but a few rituals and the society's rules, all for their parents'/family's happiness. Arranged marriage - the biggest compromise of them all.
Why did I suddenly veer towards the topic of marriage? Recently, my maternal aunt and uncle celebrated their fiftieth marriage anniversary. 50. Five zero. Going by the unrest amongst the people of my age group, a silver jubilee would call for a nationwide celebration. Every one wants life on his/her own terms. Nobody is willing to change themselves but expect others to change for them.
I have never had the opportunity to watch an old couple up close, all four grandparents passed away by the time I was six. That actually isn't a good sign, but as I said, who cares about such things. So watching my not so old parents age is quite fascinating. The comfort zone that they share, the tiffs and the disagreements and the nonchalant way in which it is handled, each of it seems part of an oft-practiced effortless ritual. I remember spending a day at my friend's grandparents' place. At noon, both of them used to sit in front of the tv and peacefully doze off. I had remarked to her then -"If forty years from now, I can share this kind of relationship with my husband, I would call my life a success".
I still stand by it.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Nothing in particular
This one is just to chronicle the last week - uneventful overall, yet small observations which I might want to record.
I thought it will be one of the longest weeks possible, as the two weeks before it had a holiday one day of the week. But surprisingly, that wasn't to be. The week moved on fairly fast - anything to do with days being shorter in winter(no, I am not a retard, I am kidding!)? There wasn't much work in office, and I could easily finish the alloted task with a lot of time to spare. No, it has got nothing to do with my "efficiency", just being smart and making my manager allot more time than required for it.
CAT results came out. No, I wasn't amongst the lakhs of people who mewed and purred in the exam halls all over the country. Quite a few of my friends wrote it, most of them unhappy with their results. Dumb old me didn't even know what kind of result deserves congratulations and which one sympathies. I mean my natural instinct at the knowledge that a friend bagged 97 percentile (not percentage, mind you) should be "Congrats!" right? Wrong. I was told not to rub salt over the wounds and had to stay back to undo the damage and cheer him up. 97 percentile not being good enough. Thank heavens I am not presumptuous enough to think that I have a chance and give that monster of an exam!
I gave yet another pat to my small back for taking yet another solid decision eons ago. Orkut is a blessing, no, not even in disguise, just out and out! You see it was through this "outdated"(what would they know about it) social networking site that I discovered that my getting out of the "puppy love-crush-preteen-fascinated by movies-relationship(?)" was the best thing to have happened to me! No offense to him(ok, maybe a little), but he seems to have turned into one obnoxious, self obsessed, self centered pr*ck! Right from his description about himself to the album photos - me, me, me, me and oh yes..me! Our common friends tell me that he is also now an infamous flirt - the cherry on the icing? Don't get me wrong, this isn't the sour grapes story, we parted on good terms and it was a mutual decision(or so I made him believe..hehe). Phew! What a close call!
Now comes the trifle serious part. Don't start yawning as yet, it will be over soon. I hate being diplomatic. But sometimes, there just isn't any other way. I have a friend - artistic, talented and intelligent. Along with all these qualities, shrewd. When he is in need of something, you can be as sure as hell that he will contact you. Once the work is done, he returns to oblivion. No, he isn't a bad person, it's just the way he is. Practical, calculative and clever-these can be termed as qualities when you are interacting with your contacts, not with your own friends. Our other friends have realised this long ago and hence stay aloof. But I just can't bring myself to it. End result - on one hand I am listening to his criticism by my other friends(sometimes I join in), on the other I have to behave perfectly normal in his presence or when he contacts me. It's wrong, I know that perfectly well, but the way out is tougher. If the chariot is running, who are you to take out a wheel? And so the charade continues.
I thought it will be one of the longest weeks possible, as the two weeks before it had a holiday one day of the week. But surprisingly, that wasn't to be. The week moved on fairly fast - anything to do with days being shorter in winter(no, I am not a retard, I am kidding!)? There wasn't much work in office, and I could easily finish the alloted task with a lot of time to spare. No, it has got nothing to do with my "efficiency", just being smart and making my manager allot more time than required for it.
CAT results came out. No, I wasn't amongst the lakhs of people who mewed and purred in the exam halls all over the country. Quite a few of my friends wrote it, most of them unhappy with their results. Dumb old me didn't even know what kind of result deserves congratulations and which one sympathies. I mean my natural instinct at the knowledge that a friend bagged 97 percentile (not percentage, mind you) should be "Congrats!" right? Wrong. I was told not to rub salt over the wounds and had to stay back to undo the damage and cheer him up. 97 percentile not being good enough. Thank heavens I am not presumptuous enough to think that I have a chance and give that monster of an exam!
I gave yet another pat to my small back for taking yet another solid decision eons ago. Orkut is a blessing, no, not even in disguise, just out and out! You see it was through this "outdated"(what would they know about it) social networking site that I discovered that my getting out of the "puppy love-crush-preteen-fascinated by movies-relationship(?)" was the best thing to have happened to me! No offense to him(ok, maybe a little), but he seems to have turned into one obnoxious, self obsessed, self centered pr*ck! Right from his description about himself to the album photos - me, me, me, me and oh yes..me! Our common friends tell me that he is also now an infamous flirt - the cherry on the icing? Don't get me wrong, this isn't the sour grapes story, we parted on good terms and it was a mutual decision(or so I made him believe..hehe). Phew! What a close call!
Now comes the trifle serious part. Don't start yawning as yet, it will be over soon. I hate being diplomatic. But sometimes, there just isn't any other way. I have a friend - artistic, talented and intelligent. Along with all these qualities, shrewd. When he is in need of something, you can be as sure as hell that he will contact you. Once the work is done, he returns to oblivion. No, he isn't a bad person, it's just the way he is. Practical, calculative and clever-these can be termed as qualities when you are interacting with your contacts, not with your own friends. Our other friends have realised this long ago and hence stay aloof. But I just can't bring myself to it. End result - on one hand I am listening to his criticism by my other friends(sometimes I join in), on the other I have to behave perfectly normal in his presence or when he contacts me. It's wrong, I know that perfectly well, but the way out is tougher. If the chariot is running, who are you to take out a wheel? And so the charade continues.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
The last straw
I had been meaning to post this since the night of Dec 31st, 2007. No, this isn't about resolutions or any other thing related to the New Year. This is just my account of an occurrence that really shook me up and made me trust my judgements more than ever.
I was waiting for my friends and looking around at the sad crowd that had gathered to celebrate that night. Up ahead I saw him, my friend of four years. No, make that my friend for four years. It is probably one of the weirdest relationships I have had with anyone till date. Two people, so alike and yet so different. We have been the closest of friends and we have been the worst of enemies, there were times when one couldn't even stand the sight of the other. Long story cut short, we parted ways after graduation, not as friends, but as two individuals who would be just about civil if our paths were to cross, which did happen a few times.
But nothing prepared me for this. He was walking in the opposite direction, coming towards my side. I was shocked out of my senses because of all the people in the world, he was the last one I expected to run into and of all the places, there! Maybe my face gave away my feelings or maybe it was the fact that he was with someone, someone hanging on to his arms. I am trying to think of all possible reasons for his next action but am unable to come up anything justifiable.
I was given the cold shoulder. It was as if he saw through me. As if I did not exist there. Or even if I did, my existence did not matter, it was inconsequential. He passed right by me with not so much as an acknowledgement. Surprisingly, I smiled. After the initial disappointment was dealt with, I realised that I was relieved that this is how it turned out to be, and what a day for it! It was the proverbial nail in the coffin. If there was any doubt, any guilt remaining in my mind towards the course of action I had chosen that day when I told him that we could no longer be friends, it was gone now.
I felt free, as if a great burden had been lifted from my conscience. Memories were flashing in my head - the few days after when he tried to patch it back together, when he vowed that he wouldn't let go so easily, that it mattered too much to let go. How I stubbornly refused to budge from my decision, knowing that sustaining it would be far more painful than ending it. I had felt a great surge of confusion, self loathing and guilt for days and I think even months later. But now, as I stood there, looking at him passing me by, walking away, it seemed the best thing to do, the right thing to do.
I have sometimes wondered if it is right to be so calculative, to be so seemingly practical and thinking and making decisions not from my heart but from my brain. Moments like these, I am glad I do.
I was waiting for my friends and looking around at the sad crowd that had gathered to celebrate that night. Up ahead I saw him, my friend of four years. No, make that my friend for four years. It is probably one of the weirdest relationships I have had with anyone till date. Two people, so alike and yet so different. We have been the closest of friends and we have been the worst of enemies, there were times when one couldn't even stand the sight of the other. Long story cut short, we parted ways after graduation, not as friends, but as two individuals who would be just about civil if our paths were to cross, which did happen a few times.
But nothing prepared me for this. He was walking in the opposite direction, coming towards my side. I was shocked out of my senses because of all the people in the world, he was the last one I expected to run into and of all the places, there! Maybe my face gave away my feelings or maybe it was the fact that he was with someone, someone hanging on to his arms. I am trying to think of all possible reasons for his next action but am unable to come up anything justifiable.
I was given the cold shoulder. It was as if he saw through me. As if I did not exist there. Or even if I did, my existence did not matter, it was inconsequential. He passed right by me with not so much as an acknowledgement. Surprisingly, I smiled. After the initial disappointment was dealt with, I realised that I was relieved that this is how it turned out to be, and what a day for it! It was the proverbial nail in the coffin. If there was any doubt, any guilt remaining in my mind towards the course of action I had chosen that day when I told him that we could no longer be friends, it was gone now.
I felt free, as if a great burden had been lifted from my conscience. Memories were flashing in my head - the few days after when he tried to patch it back together, when he vowed that he wouldn't let go so easily, that it mattered too much to let go. How I stubbornly refused to budge from my decision, knowing that sustaining it would be far more painful than ending it. I had felt a great surge of confusion, self loathing and guilt for days and I think even months later. But now, as I stood there, looking at him passing me by, walking away, it seemed the best thing to do, the right thing to do.
I have sometimes wondered if it is right to be so calculative, to be so seemingly practical and thinking and making decisions not from my heart but from my brain. Moments like these, I am glad I do.
The year gone by
Yes, it is one of those posts, though it may be a bit late in the coming. So what? Its been six days now since the New Year dawned on us. Few of my friends say that there needn't be such fanfare over it, I mean after all, it is just another year. But I want to pen down or rather type down what the past year meant to me, so that I can at a later stage look at this post and smile or frown, as the case maybe.
Ok, enough of build up. Here goes:
I made lots of friends and by lots, I mean it. Even in college I hadn't met so many people I genuinely liked and wanted to know better. If people were to ever ask me how much of an impact Infosys had on my life, this part would definitely score higher than the learnability shit. It's funny if I think about it actually, how much I despised college and how much I like being a working woman. People usually are of the opposite opinion.
The end of my brief stint with independence. I got transferred back to Bangalore, back to living with my family, back to the comforts but also, back to the restrictions. I did have periods of home sickness while living on my own, especially when my health wasn't in the best of phases or during events/festivals that I had previously celebrated with them. But on the whole, I think I was managing quite well, given that it was my first time. I think that is what disappointed my family the most *grin*.
The confirmation of the fact that I have a lot of personal issues to overcome - control, intimacy, trust, to name just a few. I don't like people telling me what to do, I can't get close to someone beyond a certain point and I still don't trust people completely. One would think that such "problems" would impede a person's social standing but to my amazement, it has only helped mine. I have started to recognise these as my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I still haven't come across a good enough reason for me to change myself.
On the professional front, I think I can label it satisfactory. I am being real. A chemical engineer in the software industry should be rooted in reality. I could have achieved much more but I never have been the ambitious kind. I do wish I had a better boss, but you can't have it all. I am in a project that has never required me to sit beyond 8 pm and teammates that co-operate and even cover up your mistakes. Life could have been a lot worse, I know it and hence am thankful that it isn't.
Oh how could I forget the most important one! I started blogging. Blogs to me were an alien concept, something I had read about online, something I thought only geeks and losers dabbled in. Was I wrong! I have discovered a whole new life after I started blogging(ok maybe I am stretching it a leeeetle bit). I started with InfyBlogs, the internal blogspace of my company and I got hooked. I rediscovered my passion for writing, which was, since school days, gathering dust. It also lead me to do something I was always cautious of - making friends online. To be able to carry a conversation with people I had never met personally and some I never would, was a totally new experience for me!
Well what do you know, this post didn't turn out as bad as I thought. I guess when you look back, the positive memories are more willing to make themselves heard than the negative. Or maybe it is the effect of the peaceful weekend. Whatever the reason, I am glad that the thought of the year 2007 doesn't bring a bitter taste to my mouth. I must confess that I have learned a few lessons the hard way in the past year, but I shall not let them spoil the memories.
Goodbye 2007, you were good to me. 2008, I think I am ready for you.
Ok, enough of build up. Here goes:
I made lots of friends and by lots, I mean it. Even in college I hadn't met so many people I genuinely liked and wanted to know better. If people were to ever ask me how much of an impact Infosys had on my life, this part would definitely score higher than the learnability shit. It's funny if I think about it actually, how much I despised college and how much I like being a working woman. People usually are of the opposite opinion.
The end of my brief stint with independence. I got transferred back to Bangalore, back to living with my family, back to the comforts but also, back to the restrictions. I did have periods of home sickness while living on my own, especially when my health wasn't in the best of phases or during events/festivals that I had previously celebrated with them. But on the whole, I think I was managing quite well, given that it was my first time. I think that is what disappointed my family the most *grin*.
The confirmation of the fact that I have a lot of personal issues to overcome - control, intimacy, trust, to name just a few. I don't like people telling me what to do, I can't get close to someone beyond a certain point and I still don't trust people completely. One would think that such "problems" would impede a person's social standing but to my amazement, it has only helped mine. I have started to recognise these as my strengths, rather than my weaknesses. I still haven't come across a good enough reason for me to change myself.
On the professional front, I think I can label it satisfactory. I am being real. A chemical engineer in the software industry should be rooted in reality. I could have achieved much more but I never have been the ambitious kind. I do wish I had a better boss, but you can't have it all. I am in a project that has never required me to sit beyond 8 pm and teammates that co-operate and even cover up your mistakes. Life could have been a lot worse, I know it and hence am thankful that it isn't.
Oh how could I forget the most important one! I started blogging. Blogs to me were an alien concept, something I had read about online, something I thought only geeks and losers dabbled in. Was I wrong! I have discovered a whole new life after I started blogging(ok maybe I am stretching it a leeeetle bit). I started with InfyBlogs, the internal blogspace of my company and I got hooked. I rediscovered my passion for writing, which was, since school days, gathering dust. It also lead me to do something I was always cautious of - making friends online. To be able to carry a conversation with people I had never met personally and some I never would, was a totally new experience for me!
Well what do you know, this post didn't turn out as bad as I thought. I guess when you look back, the positive memories are more willing to make themselves heard than the negative. Or maybe it is the effect of the peaceful weekend. Whatever the reason, I am glad that the thought of the year 2007 doesn't bring a bitter taste to my mouth. I must confess that I have learned a few lessons the hard way in the past year, but I shall not let them spoil the memories.
Goodbye 2007, you were good to me. 2008, I think I am ready for you.
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