The last straw

I had been meaning to post this since the night of Dec 31st, 2007. No, this isn't about resolutions or any other thing related to the New Year. This is just my account of an occurrence that really shook me up and made me trust my judgements more than ever.

I was waiting for my friends and looking around at the sad crowd that had gathered to celebrate that night. Up ahead I saw him, my friend of four years. No, make that my friend for four years. It is probably one of the weirdest relationships I have had with anyone till date. Two people, so alike and yet so different. We have been the closest of friends and we have been the worst of enemies, there were times when one couldn't even stand the sight of the other. Long story cut short, we parted ways after graduation, not as friends, but as two individuals who would be just about civil if our paths were to cross, which did happen a few times.

But nothing prepared me for this. He was walking in the opposite direction, coming towards my side. I was shocked out of my senses because of all the people in the world, he was the last one I expected to run into and of all the places, there! Maybe my face gave away my feelings or maybe it was the fact that he was with someone, someone hanging on to his arms. I am trying to think of all possible reasons for his next action but am unable to come up anything justifiable.

I was given the cold shoulder. It was as if he saw through me. As if I did not exist there. Or even if I did, my existence did not matter, it was inconsequential. He passed right by me with not so much as an acknowledgement. Surprisingly, I smiled. After the initial disappointment was dealt with, I realised that I was relieved that this is how it turned out to be, and what a day for it! It was the proverbial nail in the coffin. If there was any doubt, any guilt remaining in my mind towards the course of action I had chosen that day when I told him that we could no longer be friends, it was gone now.

I felt free, as if a great burden had been lifted from my conscience. Memories were flashing in my head - the few days after when he tried to patch it back together, when he vowed that he wouldn't let go so easily, that it mattered too much to let go. How I stubbornly refused to budge from my decision, knowing that sustaining it would be far more painful than ending it. I had felt a great surge of confusion, self loathing and guilt for days and I think even months later. But now, as I stood there, looking at him passing me by, walking away, it seemed the best thing to do, the right thing to do.

I have sometimes wondered if it is right to be so calculative, to be so seemingly practical and thinking and making decisions not from my heart but from my brain. Moments like these, I am glad I do.