Two to Tango

I am tired, tired of accusations, tired of being questioned and tired of giving explanations. When will people understand that I am no saint, that I do not deserve to be kept on a pedestal built of wrong expectations, to be crucified when I fall from grace, which happens ever so often nowadays.

Everyone likes to blame the other person or pass the buck when something fails, nobody realises or wants to recollect how much of it was caused by them. Conveniently turn a blind eye to your follies, as they were just trivial matters. If I don't call up, those instances will be remembered for eternity but the times I tried and failed will never be noticed. "You don't keep in touch", is what I am told. Now what I really want to know is that is it expected of me to mail, ping, call, meet each person I have come to know, every breathing hour of my life?

I am not saying that when people choose to take different paths, all contacts should be broken and that while pursuing a new life, the old one should be forgotten and discarded. But it is unreasonable to expect things to not change. Nothing lasts forever. You make do with what is left and make sure to hold on to it. Anything more than that would be, if I may say so, foolish to expect.

The thing which saddens me more than anything is to see my old friends lose that comfort zone, to feel out of place, just because "we don't have common topics to discuss anymore". Like hell we don't! It is the mental block and pre judgment which causes these fissures. I know people from my primary school years with whom I can still discuss anything under the sun! Sometimes I wonder if the reason for change in behaivour stems from insecurity and a weird possessiveness. No, I don't mean to imply that I am too precious blah blah, I am very much in touch with reality.

What I mean can be better explained like this - when you realise that someone, once close to you, is having an equally good time, if not better, with someone else, don't you experience that slight pang of jealousy? I have seen it in others' eyes, acquaintances and friends included. From there the downhill journey begins. They feel you don't need them anymore and that they are in disposable to you, now that you have "new friends".

I seriously don't know how to set such things right. I try my best to reason. If they listen, well and good. Else I let go. Yes, it is a terrible thing to do on my part but as I said initially, I am no saint.

Discussion time

This isn't any profound bullshit or thoughtful thoughts or whatever low grade material constitute my other posts. This is just a recollection of events at lunch time today, because if I forget to chronicle them, I m sure I will curse myself for the rest of my life!

Let me just build up the background story first. My lunch group consists of really silly(yet intelligent, mind you), witty and nonsense talking bunch of people that you could gather. Everyone has known the other through a common friend and two of them are even older than the rest by a solid almost 3 years, which is really hard to tell, seriously.

The usual conversation revolves around the guys talking about their (mis)adventures in the gym, a lot of puns thrown in for effect and mostly, making fun of other people (including each other). So it was a surprise, no, make that shock to see the developments at lunch today! Not only did we not discuss a very serious topic, but we continued it to the ice cream parlour too(fyi - first we have lunch then we go for ice cream, its a routine).

The topic of this heated(more details on this aspect in a while) debate was the article in one of the leading magazines about the effect of IT boom on Bangalore. For the statistician, out of the seven of us present there, four are Old Bangaloreans. This discussion had been carried on quite vociferously on our internal public forum, the Bulletin Board and so it spilled on to the lunch discussion.

Now coming to the use of the term "heated", one of us took it personally(no no, not me, the only thing I take personally is personal matters..err..*confused*). So there you have it. A day when the perception of the localite weighed heavier than the Gay Guy's umbrella on his pinky finger.
No wonder the weather was so crazy today. I wonder what other surprises are in store this chilly winter.

Moody - Definitely Female

Ever tried to tap into that little, mean, sadistic part of you? Don't know what I am talking about? Oh you know, that little voice inside of you which asks you to push the person who cuts into your line or tell the pest who clings to you to go get a life. Yeah, that one. Don't deny the fact that it doesn't exist. All of us have it. Most of us ignore it or have conditioned ourselves to turn a deaf ear to it. What if one day you listen to it?

Don't freak out(as yet), I am not planning to turn into a psychopath. I am halfway there, but that's not the point. If your whole life you listened to the voice of reason, that voice which tells you what is right and what is wrong and then one day you realise, that voice doesn't belong to you. That voice has been forced into your head by society, by your parents, by your teachers, by your peers, by everyone but you. What do you do?

Coming back to the little streak of evil that I talked of before, listen to it, just once. The rush that comes with it is unparalleled. It is like breaking free of some chains which have left marks on your skin. The slight tingling sensation at its absence, the raw skin breathing for the first time in ages and the pain which doesn't let you forget of its existence. It will be back, oh yes, that you can be assured of, but till that time, enjoy the freedom.

It's been a rough week. Well that is what happens if you(I) decide to be over smart and decide to take a full week's leave instead of just three days, as is genuinely required. So you get nine days of blissful, stress free (as if!) and sleep filled days. But ever given a thought to the days that are to follow? Huh..I thought not! The Monday Blues seem Bluer than usual and the week seems to drag longer than Himesh's nasal crones. The shift back to waking up early on days that seem be out of a painting - foggy, chilly and (a feeling you can relate to) cold, is the most cruel part of it.

Add to it the amount of work at office which makes you wonder if they were just waiting for you to return and dump it on you, plus a few confusions in life in general and Voila! you have the perfect not-so-perfect week! Is it a surprise then that you snap at anyone who commits the grave error of ticking you off? I guess not. No, I am not trying to justify anything, because honestly, I don't do that. If there is one (of the millions) quality that I lack, it is spontaneity. The thought that goes into any action of mine makes it look like I plan to kidnap Mick Jagger (which reminds me, I must watch that show, I am told that it is quite funny)! So regretting what I said or did is totally out of the question. I just pity the people who cross my path on such occasions.

Few things that I learned over these last few days:

• Confrontation works a great deal in sorting out any kind of misunderstanding.
  
• Silence is not always golden.
• Truth hurts as bad as being kicked in the wrong place, but it works!
• The masks come off when under attack and the real face is quite ugly.

These may not make sense to you, but hey..did my words ever?

14444 and still going stong

If someone were to mention the first thing that makes India stand out from the rest of the world, it would have to be (no,not poverty, unemployment, population explosion, illiteracy, etc! Let's try to be positive!) the Indian Railways! How long has it been since you last traveled by train? If your answer is "never", kindly go shoot yourself! In my opinion, the train travel, whatever the duration of the journey may be, is an amazing, adventurous experience in itself.

What's so great about it? For starters, the train itself! I think (and I am quite sure) the Indian trains hold a record for being the longest in the world. That was the statistics part for the skeptics. Besides that, there's also the fact that in no other mode of travel, namely bus or plane, do you get to interact so closely with perfect strangers. Well that is scary in a way, but only if you carry yourself like Paris Hilton or dress in jewels like Bappi Lahiri. For the rest of us commoners(read normal people), its no big deal.

I agree that a flight maybe the quickest and most convenient way to reach somewhere, but come on! You have to admit, its boring! There is nothing more artificial and mechanical than the process of boarding a plane, right from the check in to the plastic smiles that adorn the faces of the flight attendants! Trains on the other hand, ahh, now that's a totally enriching experience.

My family has a problem. Ok I am lying, we have lots of problems but right now let's just focus on the relevant one. We can never, yes, never manage to safely board a train with time to spare. It always has involved, involves and will involve last minute rush, panic and pandemonium. We have had drills to try to overcome this problem, (I might be exaggerating just a little bit, sue me) but to no avail. Buses, private vehicles, flights, all these we make it in time but trains, now there's a nemesis who time and again mocks us by "almost" slipping out of our hands.

If we are in the station on time(which is 9 out of 10 cases), the train would mysteriously be on a secretive platform (9 3/4th? only Harry Potter fans will catch the significance), and most probably, we would have entered the station from the other end. May the soul of the man who designed Bangalore station rest in peace as the noble soul was kind enough to keep it small. Anyone been to the Delhi railway station? Correction- anyone almost missed a train/ got lost/ missed a family member at the Delhi railway station? The place is humongous! I am quite sure the coolies at one platform run into the coolies of another only after a year or so(yeah yeah, I am exaggerating, again!)!

But once the tough part is done with i.e. once you enter the train, huffing and puffing, dragging the luggage, counting the no. of articles to check if anything is missing, the sights and sounds inside inadvertently bring a smile to the (till now distorted out of exhaustion) face. To an ardent observer of human behavior, it is a treat! There aren't many things I wish for, but if there is one thing that I sorely miss at these occasions, it is the lack of talent for sketching in me. How I would love to soak in the sights in front of me and convert them to something worth remembering and cherishing in material form.

Did you suggest photos? It may be a fact that of late I might forget my mobile phone while traveling but not my camera, but to click photos of perfect strangers? Now that's just rude, weird and well, a tad bit shady! So I make do with just memories of significant incidents and/or people that surround me and my journey.

General compartment, second class, first class, A/C compartment and yes, even goods compartment(there is a long story behind it and my memory fails me as I was but a toddler back then) - been there, done it all. The games that we played as kids, running from one bogey to another, jumping over the parts which looked like they may separate any moment, walking though 3 bogeys just to purchase and consume soft drinks, hanging from the chains that are meant to support the middle berth, peeping into the adjacent berth while on the top most one, maybe its memories like these which make you want to travel once again in those rickety, noisy, yet one of a kind mode of transport.

I DONT want to know what you did last summer!

Why do people tell me things? Actually, it would be much more apt if I express it this way - WHY DO PEOPLE TELL ME THINGS???!!! What things? Things I don't want to know, things that concerns their personal lives, sometimes secrets, basically, things that do not concern me, in any manner.

Like every other characteristic, there are both upsides and downsides of being a good listener. I am in no "goody-goody" mood, so let's leave the upsides for some other time. Let's start with the downsides-
a.) Since everyone knows you for having a patient ear, they assume you like doing it. News flash- not always!
b.) People think you would rather listen than talk. Hello! I would talk if you would just let me!
c.) You end up doing something you never signed up for in the first place.

Don't get me wrong, this frustration isn't directed at everybody. Of course I love to listen to the ones I care about. I actually feel dejected if they don't come to me with their problems! This is directed at the strangers, the acquaintances who make me wish I had a gun. I may spit and spew venom here, but the fact of the matter is when it comes to such people, I am as meek as a poorly fed sacrificial lamb! I take liberties only with the ones whom I know won't take it the wrong way. With everyone else, its just the public face they would love to be familiar with - docile and all ears!

These kind of people range from a classmate who described in detail how he would woo his next target(the narrative included enlightening me with the sher he planned to use) to an ex-colleague who poured out his woes at work, all the petty politics encountered over the years and later on confessing that he liked me. I had known him for a month and apart from the aforementioned one sided conversation, all that had occurred between us was exchange of pleasantries in the morning and evening("Good Morning" and "Bye", to be precise).

What do you do in such situations? How long do you keep making excuses("I am on a call".."I don't drink coffee")? When polite rebuttals fail, what next? If I am going to be used as an agony aunt, I might as well charge them and make it worth the trouble!

Yeah right, as if..

Crack(er) it up!

DIWALI!!! Yeah, I know the original word is Deepawali or Deepavali, but as long as there are crackers, sweets and a holiday involved, does it really matter? I did come across a few people insisting that the greeting be addressed as Happy Deepawali and not Happy Diwali, which, if I must make it clear, irritated me. The good old bard Shakespeare must be turning in his grave, seeing how nobody in this day and age pays any heed to the a rose by any other name blah blah thought. I hope they don't go a far as to legalize or should I say illegalize the use of the same. As if spoiling the names of Bombay, Calcutta, Madras, Pondicherry, Bangalore and numerous others wasn't enough for them.

But let's not start off with negative thoughts (too late eh?)! Diwali to me is really very special. It is one of those few festivals that we celebrate in grandeur, Krishna Janamashtami being the other. Now that I look back, I can remember almost every Diwali that we have celebrated, from what I wore (*grin*) to a lot of other details. Or maybe that's just my brain malfunctioning, as usual, storing too many things than is necessary.

If there are two things that mark this festival, they are food and crackers (okay I admit, for me food is important in any case, festival or not). I am quite glad and proud of the fact that we celebrate Diwali the same way our elders used to, in the most traditional manner possible (minus the superstitions and unworldly restrictions- thank heavens for that!). So if you see food being prepared in containers made of leaves, don't be alarmed (for those not from my part of the country, this may strike as quite peculiar). As a kid, you laugh at these traditions, rituals and customs, wondering why anyone in their right sense of mind would continue with these archaic practices! But as age and maturity (ahem) greet you, you learn that the only thing that marks you as an individual and separates you from the crowd, are your traditions.

Mingling with people from each and every background, in a country like ours, is a day to day experience. You meet, you learn, you adapt - its a continuous cycle (only the degree varying from person to person). Yet while going through all of it, you wonder where you stand in the big scheme of things. I am not referring to the ever elusive "Who am I?" (philosophical gibberish) , but the more general "How am I different from every Sawyer, Tracy and Potter?"(my version of Tom, Dick and Harry, thank you very much). That's when the aforementioned traditions, rituals and customs come into play.

If there is one thing that I have observed keenly while interacting with all kinds of people, it is the fact that however may be the manner of your dressing, behaviour or attitude (rural/modern/urban), everyone takes great pride in their community. "We don't do it that way..", "in our functions..", "we celebrate it in a different way.." - statements like these are more often than not accompanied by the look of a sense of belonging. You need not even be a religious devout for it! I agree that most of these(if not all) customs originate from a religious line of thought. But nowadays, does anyone really know (or sometimes even care) about it? Coming from a caste and family where purohits/pandits are a dime a dozen, I can assure you that these customs are as irrelevant as P.T. Usha in cricket (sheesh!that was a disastrous simile)!

Yet we continue to follow them, not because we are forced to, or because we are afraid of committing a "sin", but because that is what we have been taught, that is what our parents do and that is what our forefathers did. It is our comfort zone. It defines us, it defines where we come from. We may not know who will head the government after the next elections, but we can count on the fact that there will be Durga Pooja on Dussera, Lakshmi Pooja on Diwali and our favourite sweet vanishing as fast as democracy from Pakistan(I really need to end this simile massacre!).

We are, after all, slaves to our routines.

Six feet under

Death- the one thing that fascinates me, the one thing that scares me. You can find an answer to anything else, you can experience and explain any other phenomenon, but not death. This isn't some philosophical gibberish or even an attempt at seeking spiritual answers for questions. Actually, it just might be.

If there is anything I firmly believe in, it is most definitely the finality of death. No priest, leader or institution can convince me otherwise. I whole heartedly believe that there is nothing 'beyond'. That there is no "light at the end of the tunnel, calling out to you". It is just silence, silence from the noise we claim to hate, and yet that which we crave. A blankness, a stillness which has absolutely no end. It would be like falling asleep, the only difference being, here you never wake up.

When your physical presence ceases to exist, so do you. That is exactly what scares me the most. In life we take each day as it comes, wondering, dreaming, planning for the days to come. But what if, what if one 'fine' day you were told exactly how many more days you had for the curtains to draw one last time. Worse, what if you were told the time limit that a loved one has remaining? How in the world does anyone find the strength to go on? It is not a mere object that is being snatched away from you, but a living, thriving entity, someone who has been a part of your life, someone who has been your life! How do you rise from such a low?