Two to Tango

I am tired, tired of accusations, tired of being questioned and tired of giving explanations. When will people understand that I am no saint, that I do not deserve to be kept on a pedestal built of wrong expectations, to be crucified when I fall from grace, which happens ever so often nowadays.

Everyone likes to blame the other person or pass the buck when something fails, nobody realises or wants to recollect how much of it was caused by them. Conveniently turn a blind eye to your follies, as they were just trivial matters. If I don't call up, those instances will be remembered for eternity but the times I tried and failed will never be noticed. "You don't keep in touch", is what I am told. Now what I really want to know is that is it expected of me to mail, ping, call, meet each person I have come to know, every breathing hour of my life?

I am not saying that when people choose to take different paths, all contacts should be broken and that while pursuing a new life, the old one should be forgotten and discarded. But it is unreasonable to expect things to not change. Nothing lasts forever. You make do with what is left and make sure to hold on to it. Anything more than that would be, if I may say so, foolish to expect.

The thing which saddens me more than anything is to see my old friends lose that comfort zone, to feel out of place, just because "we don't have common topics to discuss anymore". Like hell we don't! It is the mental block and pre judgment which causes these fissures. I know people from my primary school years with whom I can still discuss anything under the sun! Sometimes I wonder if the reason for change in behaivour stems from insecurity and a weird possessiveness. No, I don't mean to imply that I am too precious blah blah, I am very much in touch with reality.

What I mean can be better explained like this - when you realise that someone, once close to you, is having an equally good time, if not better, with someone else, don't you experience that slight pang of jealousy? I have seen it in others' eyes, acquaintances and friends included. From there the downhill journey begins. They feel you don't need them anymore and that they are in disposable to you, now that you have "new friends".

I seriously don't know how to set such things right. I try my best to reason. If they listen, well and good. Else I let go. Yes, it is a terrible thing to do on my part but as I said initially, I am no saint.

Discussion time

This isn't any profound bullshit or thoughtful thoughts or whatever low grade material constitute my other posts. This is just a recollection of events at lunch time today, because if I forget to chronicle them, I m sure I will curse myself for the rest of my life!

Let me just build up the background story first. My lunch group consists of really silly(yet intelligent, mind you), witty and nonsense talking bunch of people that you could gather. Everyone has known the other through a common friend and two of them are even older than the rest by a solid almost 3 years, which is really hard to tell, seriously.

The usual conversation revolves around the guys talking about their (mis)adventures in the gym, a lot of puns thrown in for effect and mostly, making fun of other people (including each other). So it was a surprise, no, make that shock to see the developments at lunch today! Not only did we not discuss a very serious topic, but we continued it to the ice cream parlour too(fyi - first we have lunch then we go for ice cream, its a routine).

The topic of this heated(more details on this aspect in a while) debate was the article in one of the leading magazines about the effect of IT boom on Bangalore. For the statistician, out of the seven of us present there, four are Old Bangaloreans. This discussion had been carried on quite vociferously on our internal public forum, the Bulletin Board and so it spilled on to the lunch discussion.

Now coming to the use of the term "heated", one of us took it personally(no no, not me, the only thing I take personally is personal matters..err..*confused*). So there you have it. A day when the perception of the localite weighed heavier than the Gay Guy's umbrella on his pinky finger.
No wonder the weather was so crazy today. I wonder what other surprises are in store this chilly winter.

Moody - Definitely Female

Ever tried to tap into that little, mean, sadistic part of you? Don't know what I am talking about? Oh you know, that little voice inside of you which asks you to push the person who cuts into your line or tell the pest who clings to you to go get a life. Yeah, that one. Don't deny the fact that it doesn't exist. All of us have it. Most of us ignore it or have conditioned ourselves to turn a deaf ear to it. What if one day you listen to it?

Don't freak out(as yet), I am not planning to turn into a psychopath. I am halfway there, but that's not the point. If your whole life you listened to the voice of reason, that voice which tells you what is right and what is wrong and then one day you realise, that voice doesn't belong to you. That voice has been forced into your head by society, by your parents, by your teachers, by your peers, by everyone but you. What do you do?

Coming back to the little streak of evil that I talked of before, listen to it, just once. The rush that comes with it is unparalleled. It is like breaking free of some chains which have left marks on your skin. The slight tingling sensation at its absence, the raw skin breathing for the first time in ages and the pain which doesn't let you forget of its existence. It will be back, oh yes, that you can be assured of, but till that time, enjoy the freedom.

It's been a rough week. Well that is what happens if you(I) decide to be over smart and decide to take a full week's leave instead of just three days, as is genuinely required. So you get nine days of blissful, stress free (as if!) and sleep filled days. But ever given a thought to the days that are to follow? Huh..I thought not! The Monday Blues seem Bluer than usual and the week seems to drag longer than Himesh's nasal crones. The shift back to waking up early on days that seem be out of a painting - foggy, chilly and (a feeling you can relate to) cold, is the most cruel part of it.

Add to it the amount of work at office which makes you wonder if they were just waiting for you to return and dump it on you, plus a few confusions in life in general and Voila! you have the perfect not-so-perfect week! Is it a surprise then that you snap at anyone who commits the grave error of ticking you off? I guess not. No, I am not trying to justify anything, because honestly, I don't do that. If there is one (of the millions) quality that I lack, it is spontaneity. The thought that goes into any action of mine makes it look like I plan to kidnap Mick Jagger (which reminds me, I must watch that show, I am told that it is quite funny)! So regretting what I said or did is totally out of the question. I just pity the people who cross my path on such occasions.

Few things that I learned over these last few days:

• Confrontation works a great deal in sorting out any kind of misunderstanding.
  
• Silence is not always golden.
• Truth hurts as bad as being kicked in the wrong place, but it works!
• The masks come off when under attack and the real face is quite ugly.

These may not make sense to you, but hey..did my words ever?