Saturday, August 2, 2008

Too late too soon

What if one day you turn into that which you portray to be? Wouldn't that be an ideal situation?

Apparently not. All throughout my as yet short life I have seen those who have been emotionally weak being taken advantage of. I knew it then as I know now, that I wouldn't be one of them. I wouldn't be the one to be seen crying, I wouldn't be the one being taken for granted and I most definitely won't be the one emotionally blackmailed. Being a girl, it was as easy as a rabbit trying to pass of as a porcupine.

How do you do it? You hide your weaknesses. You cringe not in public. You put on a brave face and you pretend that it did not matter. You learn to laugh at yourself, you trivialise things that may seem important. You mislead people into believing your priorities lie elsewhere. Most importantly, you do not put on display your armour, because with it, so will the chinks be displayed. Slowly over time, you start winning.

People start getting convinced that you are not to be thrown around. They think twice before launching those wisecracks. They hold back and they warn others. Word gets around and you are smiling. This is what you wanted. You may be the evil one for those people but you are content with the fact that not all of them think that way. You had assumed that there were a few who see through you. A few who know why you are doing this. You are doing this because you are scared. You have had reasons to be scared. Some of the fears may be unjustified, but aren't most of them anyway?

Then one day it hits you. There is no difference between the two. The two images, the two persona's, the two different people you thought you were. It hits you because they told you so. They told you things that you thought were meant to be looked and observed by strangers. Your guard is seen as indifference, the shell which you created over the years seen as insensitivity.

At first you are offended but then you see what they do. It isn't their fault. It is you. The ways that you made others follow, you forgot to follow yourself. You had expectations. Never have expectations. You started asking questions. Questions are never good, especially when you don't like the answers. Maybe it's good to be the villain. Everyone loves heroes, but what good would he be without the villain. I shall not change. Let me stick to at least one thing I had promised myself.

I could have not posted this or I could have posted this on the top. But I choose to hide it here. Everyone wins.

1 comment:

  1. I have nothing to state except that I am one of those who builds a fortress around me too.